ORIGINS: The stuffed animal of the first bird in the original series is torn. And for some reason it made us think of a seahorse’s tail that is disappearing into the foam of broken waves. Anyway, the bird had more presence than the waves, and we wanted to do something with the animals that would replace the dorsal fin of that seahorse.
I am a seahorse. Do you know what that means? I am not a very good swimmer and I have to eat constantly if I want to stay alive. I am one of those children that has to fall in love every day. With something wonderful. With something new. It doesn’t have to be beautiful, it just has to promise me that the best is yet to come, leaving me hungry for more and giving me a reason to open my eyes the next day. I am a clumsy child that still hasn’t had to grow up. And I pray every night that my sea remains shallow. That I never get to know the truth about the world. Because a little bird has already told me that love doesn’t last once you dive deeper than a glance. That there are monsters in the depths, waiting to prey on me. To make me grow up. And I am not ready to lose my appetite and still keep waking up day after day.
What you see on my face isn’t a look of disgust. I am just dismissing you. I am a seahorse, what did you expect? I have been fed beautiful words since I was a child, my stomach isn’t used to anything else. It started with fairytales. With wonder and magic written in pink, because the sea didn’t want to hurt me. Diluted blood, because the sea wanted me to be happy. And I was. I grew up feeding in those waters, on those words, far, far away from the wolves and the blood they spill, the world they shape. Can you really blame me if I have no use for you? My happiness depends on those lies, I can’t stomach anything else. You are too real, too red, and I can’t allow the spell to break.
I may not be a good swimmer, you may think that I am too young to know anything about life and already be thinking about my final destination, but that would just prove that you are the one that doesn’t know anything about me. I didn’t have to dive into deep waters to meet a nightmare. It found me in shallow waters, just as easily, and I can’t find any comfort in all the pretty colors that surround me. But I won’t be a helpless child forever. One day I will prey on those nightmares, I will protect the most important person in my life. Like I should have been protected. That’s my destination. That’s my comfort. And I won’t stop swimming until I get there.
What’s the point of sleeping, if I am a seahorse that lives in shallow waters? I already know that dreams don’t come true. That the reality is too ugly for what I have achieved to still be called a dream. Dreaming in color only hurts, because when I wake up I am still surrounded by those same colors that don’t mean the same anymore. They don’t taste the same. Bitter. Without an ounce of sweetness. But I am still a child. I am hungry all the time. And I just want to sleep in the dark. Far, far away from all the vivid colors that only promise me disappointment. Either way. Whether I succeed or don’t even try.
So what if the bird flies away from me? It’s in love, isn’t it? It’s one of a pair, isn’t it? That doesn’t change just because I am heartbroken. There are things that only someone else can make you feel, parts of yourself that only come to life when someone else is involved. That bird is one of them, and I don’t want it around while I try to put my broken heart back together. While my seahorse anchors me, as I let this sadness drift away for good. The bird can fly after the past, for all I care. I have a future to think about.
Can you guess what the wolf has in its sight? It’s not the moon, but you came really close. It’s happiness, something that has already left me feeling just as cold as moonlight does every night. The wolf wants to be happy. So, it lies. And keeps lying, trying to get closer to what it remembers having felt, once, when I was a child and my world was made out of beautiful lies. The wolf remembers the warmth of those words, and it tries. But it’s too late. I know the truth. And lying won’t bring anything back. Not that warmth. Not the happy child that I used to be, before this seahorse anchored itself to me and let me know the truth. That I wasn’t taught to swim properly and what worked for so many others would never work for me, because I was given a glimpse of something that will never be true.
Do you know what a nightmare is? It’s something that breathes louder than you, something whose heart beats drowning out yours and stomps the life out of you. Without sparing you a glance. Because it has its own wants, its own needs, and they have nothing to do with your childish dreams. A nightmare is the thing that replaces you, the grown-up that keeps your name after pushing you out. Mine is almost here. My bones don’t hurt yet, but I can tell. Do you know how? It’s because my dreams have already started to hurt, and my seahorse spends its days by my side. Wiping away my tears. No longer swimming beyond the horizon, looking for new dreams to bring back to me. But it won’t be long before I am gone, and the least I can do is welcome that nightmare with a smile on my face.
Do I look like a child to you? I have fire in my eyes, not watery dreams. Not anymore. I am ready to foist this koala on someone else and let them sleep. Let them dream. This seahorse has taught me that life is just hunger. That it’s better to eat than to be eaten alive. And I have made my choice. I would rather wipe blood from my mouth than tears from my eyes. Because I don’t even have to be a good swimmer to make the most of this life, but I would have had to give everything to my dreams, and even then, it probably wouldn’t have been enough.