ORIGINS: Don’t ask where that face came from. Just look at the nose. It’s a girl in a white dress, on the edge of a cliff, counting down the seconds before the jump.
Don’t worry. I have already cried more than enough tears to break your fall. But even if I hadn’t, I know that you are too lazy to jump. Your dress is white, and I know that you will fall, gently, like snow does.
Has no one ever told you that if you hesitate, you already have your answer? Just keep both feet on the ground from now on, and don’t let your white dress flap in the wind anymore.
You have got it wrong, my dear. Your dream isn’t up there. You may not remember because it hurt, but your dream is not among the stars anymore. It turned to dust, and you closed your eyes. Now it’s too late. You won’t see it floating in the light. If you want to wave goodbye, you have to look down.
I can’t blame you for not turning your back. When I was in your dress, I didn’t close my eyes either. Trusting that someone will be there to catch you when you fall isn’t easy. But I have come to realize that if you hope for the best, at least you can spend your time in the air with a smile on your face.
Squawk, squawk all you want. But don’t wonder why I didn’t say goodbye.
Here is where we part ways. I don’t have anything more the wind can claw at.
Goodbye, my sun. I wish your light had stuck.
You call it changing. I call it melting. And I refuse to lose more of myself.
I had dreams and hopes. There was an endless sea in front of my eyes, salt in the air, urging me to spread my wings. But I was looking in the wrong direction. The biggest city was inland, and it wasn’t long before I too started eating garbage. Like a good little seagull. But let’s not forget to look on the bright side. At least I am not the only one.
I wish the wind had a heart and blew all the voices out of my sight, to the other side of the world, before they had a chance to leave their fingerprints all over me. I wish there was such a thing as going in one ear and out the other. But my mind is a crab that doesn’t let go. It echoes every voice that has ever hurt me. With its sharp-toothed claws.
I feel cheated. But now it’s too late to change sides and wish upon the stars. Don’t tell me that the sun doesn’t look like an octopus, I know what I saw. It shouldn’t have been too much to ask. I wasn’t greedy. I didn’t ask to be happy for the rest of my life. All I wanted was a little bit of optimism. Just one sucker. One. The sun wouldn’t even have missed it. But all I got was a suntan. A day or two of aimless happiness. When all I wanted was something to look forward to. Something I could follow. A tentacle. A beam of light. Even if I couldn’t see it in the dark.
You are wondering what brought me here? I looked back. I tried to describe my life, and a burning candle took over my mind. I can’t unsee it. I can’t rewrite it. Melted wax. That’s what I am. Someone I can no longer recognize. Little by little I lost what I loved about myself to that flame called life. And I can’t bear to lose anything more.
Seagull: What is there to complain about? It’s a postcard-perfect view. As far as I can see, only the setting sun is missing. But maybe that’s the void you are trying to fill.
Crab: Are you waiting for a gust of wind to sweep you off your feet and take the choice from your hands? Sorry to disappoint, love, but those trees over there called dibs. I’m afraid you have chosen the wrong cliff.
Octopus: You would have more luck turning around and wishing upon the stars. The helping hand you are waiting for won’t be coming any time soon. But maybe some shooting star will take pity on you, and it will braid its trail into a rope.
Candle: You are running out of time, my dear. Those pine trees in the distance are about to replace the sea with their sap. If you are going to jump, you should do it now, before their sappy words replace the sea breeze and you have a change of heart.
Any last words?
…
Please, don’t be cold.
It would have been kinder if there wasn’t anything to reach for up there in the sky.
The color of oblivion is white, and I have no regrets.