ORIGINS: We read somewhere that the ancestors of dolphins were some kind of wolf, and we have a fondness for family portraits.
It’s only a matter of time. I know that I won’t get to live underwater, but if I spend my life in this shore, my children won’t have to be wolves for long. I can’t change the world for them, but I can bring them one step closer to the sea. Where one day they will grow into dolphins, and they won’t be haunted by the blood they spill, because the sea will magically make it disappear.
I am a wolf. I know that one day I will spill blood. But I grew up playing, and I would hate myself if my children missed that part. Laughing and howling at the moon, growing up with brothers and letting the world in on their dreams. I know that there is nothing I can do to spare my children the color red. But I will do my best to help them become dolphins one day. So that they may hold on to their laughter and their dreams longer than I did.
Times change, but I find comfort in the fact that not everything gets lost along the way. I am a wolf, I grew up howling at the moon, and I intend to share that experience with my children one night. Who knows, maybe the full moon won’t be for them, maybe they will feel out of place having their feet on the ground and they will choose the sea. But waves are the color of moonlight, and I hope that my dolphins will still howl at them, every once in a while, when they remember that I chose to share only the best parts of myself with them.
I can’t forget the moon. I tried, but once loneliness has made itself at home in your skin, not even tears can wash it off. It may be too late for me, but I don’t want my children to grow up surrounded by air, until a hole opens in their chest, mirroring the emptiness of space, and they have to spend their whole life trying to fill it. My children will be dolphins, and the first touch their skin will know will be an embrace. The sea. Telling them that nothing is missing, and they will always be enough.
My father was a wolf that spent his nights howling at the moon with blood dripping from his fangs. I never understood his relationship with the moon. Even though I am a dolphin, I also know what blood tastes like, but I have never felt the need to protect someone else. To howl, night after night, trying to keep the one I love as far away from the horrors of this world as possible. My father failed, maybe not miserably, but he failed. The moon didn’t stay full, but she always regained her light, and maybe that was enough for him. But even as a child I knew that it would never be enough for me. And maybe that is why I prefer to play with beach balls, instead of looking for a moon that will only make me feel like a failure.
Maybe my teeth aren’t as sharp as a wolf’s, maybe I don’t have soft fur covering my skin, but I haven’t lost my ancestors’ coloring. This grey that is the perfect mixture of the darkest night and the brightest moonlight. The hunter willing to spill all the blood and the beloved willing to soothe all the pain this life inflicts. The only difference is that I don’t need someone else to forgive my sins. I am a dolphin that lives in the sea, where the blood washes off effortlessly. And, who knows, maybe one day, when there are no more fish left in the sea, I will change my hunting grounds, and develop a taste for stars.
I was born in the sea, and my father never spoke of the shore. But, once, my grandfather mentioned the moon. I don’t know if there was any wolf left in him, after all those years spent in the sea, he was probably just as much of a dolphin as I am. He didn’t howl, but there was longing in his voice. And sometimes I wish there was something I could devote myself to. Sometimes I wish I could slap my tail and steal a little bit of white from the waves, to create my own moon, and have a reason to keep letting air into my lungs.
I am surrounded by waves, I can even create them myself. I am a dolphin, and all it takes is a splash to cover everything in white. But the foam doesn’t stick like light to the moon, it refuses to be caged and disappears just after a few seconds. And sometimes I wonder if that makes me a dog. Because I am descended from wolves too, but I don’t have a moon of my own. All I have are these waves that resemble wolves more than I do. They fight to break free, unlike me. And I wonder when the roles reversed. If it was stepping into the sea that changed everything. Trapping me. And freeing the color white.
Dolphin: Just out of curiosity. Why did you choose the sea?
Wolf: I found the sound of breaking waves very soothing. I had never seen so much white, so close, where it could be easily touched. Moonlight never acknowledged me, and howling without an answer became painful after a while. I could live with that pain, I was the one that chose the moon after all. But I wanted my children to grow up feeling loved. Did my wish come true? Did you grow up with the waves singing you lullabies, to keep loneliness from preying on you in the dark?
Dolphin: …
Dolphin: I did. Thank you for keeping me safe.
Wolf: You are welcome.
Dolphin: Couldn’t you have chosen somewhere else?
Wolf: Why? Isn’t the sea full of colorful fish? Moonlight was the only inspiration for my dreams, and I wanted to give you something that wouldn’t get repetitive after a while.
Dolphin: There are colorful birds in the sky too.
Wolf: Sure there are. But blood does nothing to cover the taste of dirt. And I wanted you to be free. I wanted you to dream, where the taste of reality wouldn’t spoil the magic. My first choice was space. I would have liked nothing more than to let you float among the stars. But it wasn’t meant to be, and swimming in the sea was the closest thing to freedom I could gift to you.
Dolphin: Have you ever regretted your choice? Don’t you miss the moon?
Wolf: Why would I miss the moon when the sea is full of waves?
Dolphin: Because you spent most of your life howling at her. Even if you weren’t devoted to her, you must have loved her. Shouldn’t that be enough to at least remember her every once in a while?
Wolf: Have you ever loved anyone? Have you ever had to watch them wane in front of your eyes, knowing that nothing you did could keep the light from bleeding out of them? Have you ever had to watch them wax, grow brighter every night, knowing that their joy had nothing to do with you? I chose the sea because I wanted to love someone in the dark, where it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Dolphin: I want to go back.
Wolf: You can’t.
Dolphin: Why not? I know that dry land is still out there. I know where the shore is. If I stay there long enough, I will change. Just like you did.
Wolf: Maybe. But you won’t be going back. Unlike me, you were born in the sea. You have only dreamed about what I left behind. You haven’t lived it. There is no back for you. Dreams don’t count as memories.
Dolphin: They should.
Wolf: They really shouldn’t. I have had both, and you really don’t want to find out which one hurts the most. I don’t have to see dry land again to know that it won’t resemble my memories, and you should be old enough to know that it won’t resemble your dreams. I know that you want more out of life than this sea. But I am saying this for your own good, because this sea was once my dream. I know how it feels to still want more. I know how it feels to be let down. And if I could go back in time, you can be sure that I would cherish my dream and never set foot in this sea.